I really wanted to see that live action Alice in Wonderland. Grhauhauha. Does anyone know the title?

I wish I still had my Netflix account. :\

I dropped Netflix because I was paying $10 for a service I rarely used. It seems that all the free time I have is divided into tiny increments despite being unemployed. So there's the answer to your last question: I don't work in a field, but if I did, I would prefer a corn field. It's one of my favorite vegetables, which is the answer to a question you never asked.

If you go about 80 miles west from here, there are mountains, but it's flat where I live. I've lived through 20 years of straight wind and a sun so scorching it makes our 30 degree winters seem bitter by comparison. When I was younger and living in a beautiful neighborhood, the seasons were all so vibrant. Each color was its own entity. Now, the years have blended our seasons, and they are split neatly between Death and Birth. Come autumn, there are a few days of red and orange, but the trees bare their branches quickly. In spring, suddenly seedlings are sprouting and the grass is green. There is no between. Just one or the other.

So how am I? I live my life much the same. I vary wildly between two extremes of any given thing. I am sad, I am happy. Mostly I am sad. I am mostly contradictory. Today, I was all right until I realized that there is nothing more angering than the utter lack of personality and character in my life.

This town is a college town. I'm not in college. Even my friends, who are very liberal in their views, have slight prejudices against those who are not in school. They say, "Well, there's nothing wrong with waiting!" or "I feel so ashamed that I'm not in school anymore."

I feel lots of ways about myself, but I can't remember what shame feels like.

My favorite popsicle color is orange, but my favorite flavor is the cherry. I always loved those frozen yogurt pops. Mmm!

I have no intention of answering your questions until you answer mine.

What is the source of your sadness? Why do you love Six Feet Under so much (it's one of my favorite shows.)? What is your favorite punctuation mark? What difference does seven years make? What is the wisest thing you've ever done? If you were on your death bed, who would you want to be with you and why? If they offered to go get you whatever dessert you wanted for your last meal, what would it be?

What field of work are you in? If you could work in a field, what kind of field would it be? You already know how much I like corn. I also like olives. What's your favorite fruit?

I actually dropped out of high school. Mentioning that my therapist actually wrote the permission letter to my principal saying that not being in school would behoove my overall mental health really takes some street credit out of it, but it's the truth. Now I have no scores that will get me into college, but I'm sure this will be rectified soon.

Part of the problem is that I feel like I'm waiting. Yes, I'm waiting. I have two grandparents, whose mortality I've always been aware of but never confronted by til recently, and I spend most of my time taking care of them. I'm a great cook so it would be more accurate if I swapped "taking care of," with "cooking lots of goodies for."

I need to be close to them until they die. They've always been poor, so I help them out financially, with car rides, with kindness, whatever. I never had the luxury of parents setting up trust funds for me, or getting a credit card for me under their name, so my credit would be good by the time I turned 18. They always bought me awful gifts. It wasn't the lack of money, really; they're just shitty gift-givers. Luckily, I've broken this curse and I somehow manage to buy really good presents for people, even if they don't know it at the time.

The best gift they gave me was a video iPod when I was 16 or 17. They spent so much money that they didn't have it just so I could be one of the cool kids with an iPod. I loved it, but I took it for granted. It got really scratched up within a year. I almost sold it once so we could buy groceries. My grandfather threw a fit, saying, "It's the only thing I ever bought you that I loved."

I almost cry every time I think about this.

So anyway. There's no way I'm going to spend my own money to go to a school that packs 600 kids into a classroom, a school so filled with estrogen and testosterone the building is practically humping the ground on which it was built, where the graduating time for a degree has been bumped up from four years to six.

I'm smarter than that. When I have a job, and usually I do, I work too hard to throw my money at institutions that ultimately do not give a damn about me.

I was born in Dallas, but I don't remember much of it except for lots of blonde women and a bunch of computer stores. My grandparents are web consultants, and my grandfather as a computer salesman there at a place called the Supercollider. My grandpa has a slight radioactive field from something that happened to him in the Navy, so one time he walked into a room there and all of the computer screens went fuzzy-white. I met BB King there, but what the hell did I know about the blues? I was three! Now BB King knows I was a chubby kid even though he's blind and has no idea who I am. He's going to be asking people for the rest of his life, "Who was that fat kid that I held at that place that smelled like ozone and machines that one time?"

Have you ever noticed that a room with lots of computers smells like ozone? I've always wondered why.

How are you?

I'm twenty. ;)